Today I was diagnosed with ADHD.
This isn’t exactly a surprise, because I have already been suspecting it for 3 weeks. It is a hard to diagnose disease. Before I knew I had it, I had got so used to it that I thought I was normal my whole life, and I thought everyone had the same struggle because everyone complained about not being focused and what not, until I read about ADHD and wondered why I seemed to have all the symptoms.
No wonder life has been a struggle. I thought I was just not trying hard enough. I also had difficulties in almost all area of my life. I seldom have it easy for anything. Now I learned that this was because of ADHD.
I am implusive, intense, stressful, slow, fast, talkative, hyper, often fatigue, hyper-sensitive, easily distracted, random, extremely comical, easily addicted, weird…
From time to time people would give me hints like they would say I was weird, but no one explained what they meant by that. I always pester my friends, brother, pet, and sometime people I barely acquainted. When no people are watching, I would do impromtu dance. My thoughts are all over the place, and one thought breeds several more, and so on. Then I get exhausted in the middle of the day, and have to take a nap. After the nap, I would fidget again. (now it became so obvious. How did I manage to believe I was normal?)
Life is stressful, as I feel out of control often. I struggle to focus and stay on top of things, but I seldom succeed. I would get addicted to manga, Youtube, and other pointless entertainment for days, and then kick myself back to become focused again. When I do become focused, I would lose it in the following days, and have to try to get back up again.
God, why? Why tell me now, not earlier? I am already 30 years old. I got abused all my life because people mistaken my symtoms as my personality. I kept praying and praying but it never go away. I felt like I was being played by you because you never seem to listen to my prayers, and you only let me know what was going on so late.
When you have ADHD, you are painfully aware of things going down. You are aware of time passing by, slowly. You see what’s happening, but no matter how hard you try you just can’t focus. You procrastinate. It’s hard to start tasks, stay on tasks, and finish up tasks. You have difficulty all the way through. Years after years, the sense of unfulfillment and guilt accumulate. It becomes more and more depressing as you suffer more failures as you grow old, and it becomes so depressing than suicidal thoughts become a growing problem.
It’s spiritual abuse when you are so confused about what’s going on, and people kept accusing you of being lazy, unmotivated, and a bad Christian example. Satan often whispers in my ears telling me I am a failure and it’s too late. The depressive thoughts can go on and on and nothing seems to be able to stop them. They are so convincing that you think it’s hopeless. It forces me to reciting Bible verses to counter them, which is the only good thing that came out of it.
Okay, enough of the negative. I will post more articles and videos of my relationship with ADHD. Probably more videos than articles as this blog focus on everything Christian, not just a type of illness. This is a big experiement. I will use natural diets and detoxification to cure it. I will also focus on getting it healed by faith.
Since I have ADHD, which makes me sound childish and comical in real life, I should become a comedian. I have always been a funny person, but I avoid using any humor on this blog to maintain professionalism. I have always wanted to become a comedian but I was waiting for the day when I become financially stable. I guess that day will never come if I kept hiding my true talents. (ADHD isn’t a gift though. It never is.) I was too reserved, too careful, too conventional, too restrained… I was never courageous enough to totally embrace my true passion.
The main reason why I haven’t really started doing comedy was because I didn’t want to show my face. I thought about doing Youtube comedy video but I didn’t like being in a video, because I felt I couldn’t do it without heavy editing (now realized it was ADHD) and I thought I have to perform it tightly scripted.
Recently I have an aha moment. Having watched Youtube for so long, I finally decide to make my own videos. I decide to just let my ADHD show in the videos—no more forcing myself to act normal and all that. Just be my comical self and talk about God that way on Youtube! Because of this illness I have lost everything—well maybe I never had much, and my successes have always been short-lived. When you have lost everything, you have nothing to lose, and “it’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything” (Fight Club).
Did I tell you I just got a janitor job? Next month I might get hired for a security guard job. I am overqualified for a janitor position because I have an honor math decree in Actuarial science (actuary stuff) and some employment history, but I never have a chance to get into my field because I kept failing my professional exams. I have a big gap in my employment history now so I wonder what decent job position I can get. I have truly lost everything (no money, minimum wages, no girlfriend, can’t afford a small pet)… except this blog