Honor Thy Parents, Part 1: Forgive and Forget
People are losing respect for their parents nowadays, mostly because of broken families, and abuse. For normal cases, and traditional nuclear families, there are still problems because of parent’s character flaws. Perhaps you’re a person who despises inconsistency – in that case it’s unfortunate because you will probably find a lot of inconsistencies in your parents. Or you may be finding it hard to forget hurtful remarks and put-downs, but family is probably one of the biggest sources for those too. And most of us can recall the shock when we found out that our parents weren’t perfect.
No matter where you come from, this article will help you find “beauty for the ashes”1; a biblical phrase that God used to comfort those who had been dealing with unchangeable imperfection in life.
God also said, “honor thy parents”…
You don’t have to wait until your parents become perfect before you honor them. There’s a great deal to learn from our families. A change in perspective will enable us to “boom where we’re sowed.”
Most people have a victim mindset when it comes to their parental family – they blame their parents for their failures and mediocrities. I have been guilty of that too. I have to monitor my mind carefully to keep such thoughts out of my mind.
Having said that, the moral failures of parents do present major obstacles to the character development of their children. To forgive-and-forget is the answer. Any unresolved bitterness will pose threats and create hazards down the road. The more people you meet, and the deeper you experience relationships with others, the more likely you will manifest any hidden pattern you have dug up from childhood. Even if you become successful, it will only amplify the negative channels of the past, because you will influence more people.
But how do we mend the collective ways of our family if they’re wrong?
A common mistake is doing the opposite. For example, if your parents are over-organized, you choose to be disorganized. If they fight all the time, you avoid intimate relationships or get married early to leave them behind. If they are anger-holics, you repress and avoid emotions, et cetra. If you run in the opposition direction, you are still being controlled. More often than not, the opposite direction leads to a dead-end too.
Again, forgive-and-forget is the answer here. Say, “I will forgive the chaos and damages in my family so I can move on. I will not hold these memories against them in the future.”
Forgiveness isn’t a pardon. The consequences will stick around. There will be distance between offenders and you as a result of the offenses, unless there are real and lasting changes. For some serious offenses, legal consequences should follow. You don’t have to let the wrongs continue. You have every right to choose whom you spend time with, and how they should approach you.
Sometime there’s no choice, for example, we can’t choose which family we are born into. We can’t control what other people say because their tongues are theirs.
Unfortunately, most people like to spam the world with their opinions. Of all the people who do enjoy spamming, some especially love to gossip and criticize casually without necessary information. Whatever they say tends to be an understatement of others, or a long-winded analysis of other people’s weaknesses, or perceived weaknesses. Most unfortunate of all, many parents fall into this category. If you find yourself in this situation, don’t feel pity, because you have the power to choose. If you don’t give other people power over you, they don’t have power over you.
Growing up, I have been very analytical and curious about what the real truth is. There were many years when I struggled, and questioned why people would say something that wasn’t true, and then stood behind what they said just because they had said it. I was shocked to discover the actions taken based on the wrong perceptions of others, and the unwillingness to understand and listen. I was annoyed by the endless accusations and negative emotional outbursts that I had witnessed in families.
Rather than letting human nature frustrate me, I became more and more obsessed with how things were supposed to be, and fell in love with truth all the more – for every negative, there are hidden gifts behind it. If you focus on the negative, you will adopt the curse, and get sucked into endless gossip too.
There were times when I did dwell on the negative side of human nature. It ate me up, and fed into my depressive thoughts. Bitterness developed a life of its own, and I craved every opportunity to vent out the explanations, complaints, and arguments to every soul I could find. It would feel like a release at the time, but afterward the “itchiness” to vent grows even stronger. It took some major suffering to help me realize what I was doing, and it took quite a while for me to reverse the process.
Thankfulness and personal responsibilities have to be learned.
Most of us have reached the age when we no longer need to rely on our parents, unless by choice. There is plenty of room for us to choose the right path, and take the right actions, even when we are still depending on them. Replace your sad memories with positive ones. I am sure there are plenty. In the next installment, I will talk about how you can build upon the dreams of your parents and count your blessings, even though your family is far from perfect.
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